5. TURN ON THE LIGHTS. According to space-based horror movies, sometime in the not-too-distant future, ship design is going to take a quantum leap in stupidity. Fed up with building brightly lit, space-saving vessels, designers are going to add deck after useless deck to their increasingly mammoth tankers of the galaxy. These fusion guzzlers will have random steam-belching pipes, rotating beacon lights, and an endless supply of hiding places—but a very limited supply of lightbulbs.
The director and cinematographer are at it again—sacrificing realism for mood and increasing the scare factor by decreasing the illumination. But you can fight back without even leaving the bridge.
YOU
Computer, set all onboard lights to 100 percent.
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Are you sure? That seems awfully inefficient.
YOU
And the fact that this ship has 26 decks for five crew members? That isn’t inefficient?
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Good point. Raising lights.
6. KNOW WHEN TO ABANDON SHIP. The filmmakers want you to see this thing through to the bitter end. Save the nobility for real life. There’s no shame in heading for that escape pod at the first hint of danger, such as:
Anything pops out of anybody’s chest. Whether it’s an alien or the Tootsie Roll owl, get the hell out of there.
You’re on a rescue mission. This has already been covered. There’s no such thing as a rescue in space. You’re merely the second wave of victims.
Your dead wife is walking around the ship. You’re going crazy, and the ship wants you to go even crazier. Leave immediately.
You can’t stop building things with mashed potatoes. Actually, you should stick around for this one, it’s pretty cool.
7. NUKE ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY CREEPS YOU OUT. It’s the only way to be sure.
THE PRE-HYPERSLEEP CHECKLIST
Do you lock the doors before you go to bed? Of course you do. We’re vulnerable while we sleep, so we take precautions. But what if you’re planning on sleeping longer than eight hours? What if you’re going to snooze for two or more years? Your precautions need to be more thorough than locking the door. If you’re about to take a hypernap, don’t rest until every one of these boxes is checked:
[ ] Scanners detect no unidentified life-forms or movement aboard.
[ ] Crew and passenger ultrasounds are negative for alien embryos.
[ ] Ship’s computer has no secret instructions to terminate life support.
[ ] Women are dressed in sexy cotton undergarments.
[ ] Plotted course doesn’t pass through any asteroid belts, stars, or black holes.
[ ] Coffeemaker is set to start brewing 10 minutes before alarm clock.
WHEN VISITING AN UNEXPLORED PLANET, BEWARE OF COLD DARK ROCKS HARBORING TERRIBLE SECRETS.
CHAPTER 666
THE SATANIC “VERSUS”
CURSES, DEMONS, AND THE DEVIL HIMSELF
REGAN
What an excellent day for an exorcism.
—THE EXORCIST (1973)
(Sung to Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence”): Hello Satan, my old friend. I’ve come to fight with you again. Because you’re worse than any poltergeist. You turn our kids into the Antichrist. And the demon, that you planted in that girl—made her hurl. Now hear my sound … of violence.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CORN HAS CHILDREN IN IT
Not only is farming one of the deadliest horror occupations (remoteness, animals, sharp things everywhere), but in the hands of most screenwriters, cornstalks are antennas for receiving evil. Why? Because they’re a clear metaphor for isolation, easy to get lost in, cheap to film in, and—best of all—very, very hard to see in. Because cornfields are such ripe horror territory, they’re often infested with demons, sign-making aliens, winged carnivores, and worst of all … fanatical children.
A religious child infestation is every corn farmer’s worst nightmare. The onset is sudden, and the results can be disastrous for the crops. If left untreated, the little buggers will make themselves at home, using inventory to make crucifixes, trampling paths everywhere, and chanting Bible passages day and night. If your infestation has already progressed to conducting human sacrifices and summoning false gods, burn the whole mess and collect government subsidies until next season. But if you’ve caught it early enough, here are some safe, somewhat humane ways of driving them out, each step increasing in severity.
1. FIRE UP THE CROP DUSTER. Farmers use aircraft to spray their fields with bug-killing chemicals. You can employ the same method to counter the effects of corn-dwelling kids. But instead of spraying pesticides, you’ll need to blanket the infected area with something that neutralizes naughty children. Some suggestions:
Crushed Ritalin. Nothing soothes the savage preteen like a bloodstream full of methylphenidate. Get your hands on several cases of Ritalin, mill it into a fine powder, and dust away. Before you know it, the little buggers will be off to find the nearest Sylvan Learning Center. About 40 pills per child should do the trick.
A skimpy tank top. Due to their religious fanaticism, corn-dwelling children dress like eighteenth-century puritans—a weakness easily exploited with a single piece of twenty-first-century clothing. One of the female pests will happen upon the tank top and try it on, instantly making her the hottest girl in the cornfield. The other females will divide into two groups: those who befriend the girl to bask in her popularity, and those who denounce her as a “total whore.” The males, meanwhile, will practically tear one another apart trying to be with her. Result? What had been a harmonious, God-fearing community is now a John Hughes movie, and the colony destroys itself from within.
Pot brownies. It doesn’t matter what kind of demon they have protecting them, nothing has more power over a child than the smell of fresh-baked brownies—especially when you’ve been gnawing on nothing but raw corn for months. Drop a few pot-laced batches (you’re on your own when it comes to scoring the ingredients) over the focal point of the infestation and wait for the hungry vermin to gobble them up. When you hear “Redemption Song” or “Comfortably Numb” in the distance, that’s your cue to drive into the field, round them up (they won’t resist), and dump them at the nearest 24-hour diner, where they’ll share a plate of gravy fries and talk about death till the sun comes up.
2. BUILD A BASEBALL FIELD. If crop dusting comes up short, don’t despair. In the late 1980s, a loophole was created in the “all movie cornfields are evil” law, and you can reap the benefits with only a small investment of time and money.
First, clear a few acres of your corn, preferably near your farmhouse. Next, build a baseball field. You’ll need some dirt, chalk, fencing (for the backstop), a few poles, some lights, and, of course, regulation bases. The whole shebang shouldn’t run more than a few hundred thousand dollars, assuming you do the labor yourself.
Once the field is complete, it shouldn’t be more than a few days before deceased Hall-of-Famers show up for practice. At this point, your cornfield has been transformed from evil to merely enchanted, and the children will be forced to leave.
A word of warning: If you leave the baseball field up too long, you’ll be swarmed with motorists who felt compelled to drive all the way to your farm to see it. You also run the risk of your dead father showing up.
3. CONDUCT AUDITORY WARFARE. In 1989, the United States invaded Panama and cornered dictator Manuel Noriega, who’d taken refuge in the Vatican Embassy. Since they couldn’t enter the embassy without permission, the Army turned to an alternative weapon—rock and roll. Using a huge speaker, they blasted the building with ear-piercing music. Eventually, Noriega surrendered. (In 1993, the U.S. government tried a similar thing during the Waco standoff, with less desirable results.)
Aim a group of giant concert speakers at the infested area and blast the most child-repellent noise you can think of. The vermin will either be driven out or driven insane, which is a win-win situation as far as you’re concerned. A few playlist possibilities:
The O’Reilly Factor for Kids audiobook. Imagine the horror of getting advice on being a teenager from the 50-something who wrote this: “The adult doesn’t have to be in the room snappin’ to OutKast, but one of these specimens must be somewhere on the premises.”
Jimmy Buffett’s “Margaritaville.” Scientists have proven that listening to this song causes acute hemorrhaging of the eardrums in anyone under 47.
Old people complaining. Nothing is more aggravating to kids than listening to their parents and grandparents tell the same sob stories of how hard life was when they were young. Simply recruit an old person, give them a microphone, and get them to babble about any of the following: their polio-stricken little brother or sister, the war, or their alcoholic father who lost his job at the plant and beat them with a belt.
4. EXPLOIT THE NEVERLAND RANCH RESPONSE. If all else fails and you still can’t bring yourself to torch it all, there’s only one weapon left in your arsenal. Convert your farm (at tremendous expense) into a magical ranch full of exotic animals, amusement park rides, famous people’s remains, and gigantic silk-covered beds. Then invite the children over for a slumber party.
Just as a gazelle is born knowing to run when it sees a lion, today’s children are born with the Neverland Ranch response, an instinctive compulsion to run away when confronted with exactly this situation.
A HORROR MOVIE PARENTING GUIDE
Being in a horror movie is hard enough. Raising a kid in one can be hell. If you’re the proud parent of a creepy child, keep this quick reference guide handy in case of emergency:
SYMPTOM: My child’s imaginary friend is “talking” through his or her index finger.
TREATMENT: Your child’s “imaginary friend” is actually a very real manifestation of his or her psychic abilities. Therefore, listen closely to whatever it has to say, and act accordingly—even it if tells you to cancel travel plans or cut your spouse’s head off.
SYMPTOM: My child is speaking a language he or she never studied.
TREATMENT: This is a classic demonic/satanic possession symptom, though it can also result from a mischievous ghost using your child as a human hand puppet. (Note: If your child is speaking Latin or speaking backward, you’ve definitely got a possession.) Either way, summon a Catholic priest, who will be able to determine whether an exorcism is necessary (if so, see this page).
SYMPTOM: My child is having conversations with the TV or dead people.
TREATMENT: Your kid is probably being visited by a lost soul with some unfinished business or who is just looking for companionship. Usually nothing serious. In fact, the ghost can be quite nurturing and educational. However, they can cause physical harm in rare cases. Proceed with caution.
SYMPTOM: My child’s nanny just hanged herself in front of us.
TREATMENT: Unfortunately, your child is the seed of Lucifer, heir to the throne of eternal agony.
SYMPTOM: My child screams obscenities at me, slams doors in my face, and tells me that I’m going to rot in Hell for all eternity.
TREATMENT: There’s nothing wrong with your child.
HOW TO PERFORM AN EXORCISM
As powerful as they are, demons lack one thing we puny humans take for granted: a body. But every so often, Satan paroles an inmate and sends it topside with explicit instructions: Hijack a vulnerable human body. What does Beelzebub want with a measly meat puppet, anyway? Simple. The scales of good and evil are precariously balanced. Tip them ever so slightly in one direction (a handful of demons taking human form will do it), and before long, God’s on the ropes.
Spend enough time in the Terrorverse, and you’ll encounter a human who’s the subject of a hostile takeover. When you do, it’s important to act quickly and decisively, because the fate of the world (and perhaps all of existence) is in your hands. So keep your cool, and know your rites.
1. CONFIRM THE NEED FOR AN EXORCISM. You don’t want to go through all the trouble of carrying out an ancient ritual only to discover your supposed victim merely neglected to take their meds. The Catholic Church created strict guidelines for the rite of exorcism back in 1614—guidelines that have remained largely unchanged in 400 years. However, one notable amendment came in 1952, when priests were warned not to confuse mental illness with demonic possession (as opposed to the old days, when the two were inseparable). Look for the following signs to determine that an exorcism is more urgent than a shrink.
Telepathy. A demon will be able to mine your thoughts for fears, regrets, and embarrassing details as well as project nightmarish visions into your head. It may also be able to predict the future.
Telekinesis. Demons have the ability to mentally manipulate objects—making doors slam, shaking beds, hurling knives across the room, etc.
Language. When possessed, victims are fluent in languages they’ve never studied (usually Latin). They may also have the ability to speak backward or in multiple voices.